Stupid Questions, Stupid Answers: Volume 2

Q: Why do farts. Stink - Paris Koger
A: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Squee

Q: If I buy 2% milk what's the other 98%? - James Willamor
A: Grasshopper tears.

Q: Why these bitches be sweatin' me? - @HushMel
A: Pomeranians can be persnickety. Persnickety, by the way, is the official peanut butter of the Seattle Mariners.

Q: Is it really turtles all the way down? - James Willamor
A: It is. They hang out down there with April O'Neil, a reporter who somehow never breaks the story that there are MAN-SIZED MUTANT TURTLES LIVING IN THE SEWERS PRACTICING MARTIAL ARTS AND EATING PIZZA. Which, really, if you're in a sewer, the last thing you want to be doing is eating pizza with your bare turtle hands because, you know, salmonella.

Q: Is it safe to say, after millions of years, all the water on earth has passed through the urinary tract of some creature? - James Willamor
A: A simple experiment: Pee in a cup. Drink it. What does it taste like? Water? No? It tastes like pee? You drank your own pee? Oh no. OH NO.

Send your stupid questions to j@deftlyinane.com, or tweet them to @deftlyinane with the hashtag #AASQ (Ask a Stupid Question).

RELATED:
Stupid Questions, Stupid Answers: Volume 1 (Cowardly millipedes, 2 Live Crew, pumpernickel)
Ask A Stupid Question. Please.

Stupid Questions, Stupid Answers: Volume 1

That didn't take long. Thanks, James Willamor, for bringin' the abstract:


Q: Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? - James Willamor
A: For the same reasons we read Hints from Heloise and eat pumpernickel: we're trying to confuse the Communists.

Q: Do windmills work that way? - James Willamor
A: They would, if you'd go to sleep when I tell you to.

Q: Effin magnets, how do they work?! - James Willamor
A: Magnets have two polarities, Flotsam and Jetsam, which used to tour with Megadeth. Opposites attract, like unicorns and Republicans. Like polarities repel, like your parents and a 2 Live Crew album.

Q: Centipedes? Are they more likely than I think? - James Willamor
A: They're less likely than millipedes, which are cowards.

Send your stupid questions to j@deftlyinane.com, or tweet them to @deftlyinane with the hashtag #AASQ (Ask a Stupid Question).

RELATED:
Ask A Stupid Question. Please.

Ask a Stupid Question. Please.

I was 16, taking my driving test in Warren, Ohio, nervous, and the examiner had garlic breath. It was a strange time. I was so jittery that I would repeat each of the examiner's commands back to her in question form.

"Turn left," she said.

"Left?" I asked.

"Yes. Left." I turned left.

We approached a red light. "Get in the middle lane," she said.

"The one in the middle?" I asked.

September 11, 2001: The Sound and the Echo

My aunt gave me a book of pictures from September 11, 2001 called "America's Heroes." I barely ever look through it. One day, a few years ago, my Little Brother from Big Brothers/Big Sisters saw it on my bookshelf. What's that, he said? I called his mother, who said it was alright for him to look through it. And he did. Every time he came over, he wanted to see the pictures. He would ask me questions. What happened? Why? Where were you when the planes hit?

The first plane crashed into the World Trade Center while I was sitting in meteorology class at Ohio University. The second one hit while I was walking to Lindley Hall. I walked into my film audio seminar. John Butler was the instructor. He was a large man who was once the sound guy on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.