Fifteen Cats In The Basement

We were about to go into the house when the owner opened the front door. He was an older man, with gray hair and a green polo shirt over his belly. He wobbled out and looked at us.

"You were supposed to call first," he said.

Our realtor said she'd made an appointment for Wife and I to see the house, and she sweetly explained that she hadn't seen any note that told us to make an extra call. No, the man said, you were supposed to call first. It takes me fifteen minutes to round up the dogs. We could hear them barking somewhere inside the house. They sounded big.

The Temperature, The Toilet and The Test

Here's how hot it is.

I left a baseball in the back seat of my car. I left my car parked out in the sun.

The ball turned brown on one side.

It is at least 100 degrees right now. We tied an all-time record of 104 in Charlotte over the last three days. We could have it worse. In Columbia, the city where God focuses His magnifying glass and tries to burn people like ants, it hit 113.

I just went to the store and bought a box fan. It's on a chair at the end of the couch, blowing luke warm air over Wife and me. Every blind in our condo is closed to repel the sun. The air conditioner, fresh off a Freon recharge, is working as hard as a 1985 Trane still can, coughing and wheezing and somehow able to keep the temperature in here down to 86. That's impressive. It's like a 90-year-old trying to run a 5K. The results aren't great, but you have to admire the effort.

How I Hit a 30,000 Yard Tee Shot

Credit: Emmett Tullos III

It's amazing what people will tell you when you call them up, say you're a writer, and ask them ridiculous questions. Like, ehm, can you check around your paper mill and see if you can find my golf ball? It's a Nike. Give me a call if you find it.

Last week, a couple of us were playing the nine-hole Crowne Plaza golf course just west of downtown Asheville. As we teed off on a long par four, we heard a train rumbling along the tracks that ran along the right side of the fairway. It was a Norfolk Southern engine slowly pulling a couple dozen cars.

We should try to hit it, we chuckled. Wouldn't that be fun.

I decided I would not. I had just cracked open a brand new sleeve of golf balls. These were much too nice to bang off the side of a train car. Also, I'm not twelve.

My brother let me borrow his over-sized Taylor Made driver. I do not hit drivers well. I have a tendency to cut across the ball. I slice it. The ball usually lands 30 yards to the right of where I aim.

I teed up my shot, aimed for the middle of the fairway, and swung.

Slice.

I want to buy a Browns jersey that Browns fans won't ridicule next year

Two years ago I was home in Ohio. I stopped in a Foot Locker at the mall. There were a few jerseys on sale. Colt McCoy. Josh Cribbs. Donte Stallworth on clearance.

I hadn't bought a Browns jersey in years. I only had one, and it led to consistent ridicule at Charlotte Browns Backers gatherings. It was a William Green road jersey. I bought it ten years ago. It was the only alternative to Tim Couch, who I didn't like.

William Green. You don't even know who that is.

It is incredibly hard to buy a Browns jersey, because the team is in such a consistent state of FUBAR that you never know who is going to be here from one season to the next. Peyton Hillis seemed like a lock, but he disintegrated. Josh Cribbs is a good kick returner. But he's a kick returner. Phil Dawson isn't going anywhere. But he's the kicker.

Every player comes with a but.

Nike now has the contract to make NFL jerseys, and they just revealed their new designs. The "new" Browns jersey now looks exactly like the "old" Browns jersey. Same orange stripes on the sleeve. Same block numbers. Same brown. Same white.

The real changes are the guys who wear it. That's always the problem. They're always changing.

I got out of bed this morning. First thing I did was go to the dresser to find a t-shirt. I have way too many t-shirts. Dozens of them. It was dark. I fumbled around. I picked one without looking. The one I picked? An orange Cleveland Browns Jake Delhomme jersey t-shirt. The same one I ended up with at Foot Locker two years ago. He lasted one season in Cleveland. Actually, he didn't even last that long. Typical.

I'm heading home to Ohio in a few weeks. New jerseys will be on sale. I'll probably stop by the mall and have a look. I'll get excited for a moment. This is always time of year when the Browns' future looks bright. Most likely, it'll end up looking Green.